Grief

Read this article before you read this blog post: http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jun/03/sheryl-sandberg-facebook-death-david-goldberg

Well for starters, this article made me sob like a 12 year old girl. It is so tragic that something so awful and random can happen to such a good person. Just last night I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me with a man, something he promised to never do (he’s bisexual). I didn’t understand why he could do this to me. He kept saying “I love you” and “I’m so sorry” but I simply could say nothing more than “I hate you” “its too late to be sorry”. I want to stay with him. I want to stay in love. But I know it’s not what the spirits (god for those who are religious) have planned for me. This may be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life but this article made me realize that tragic things can happen to good people. The article explains that a  friend of Sheryl Sandberg said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” Time for me to kick the shit out of option B.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Although not having Plan A sucks, trust me, there is a reason you are trying Plan B. You might not know the reason now- Sheryl Sandberg and I sure don’t- but I know there is a reason.  Last night I randomly decided to call the man who saved me on a suicide hotline weeks ago, jerry, my angel, I wasn’t suicidal. I wasn’t depressed. Something just told me to call him. Thank god I did. Literally, thank you god.

I called him while he was at a casino and I asked if it was a bad time and he said, “There is never a bad time for you Anna”. So, I vented. I talked and talked and talked. If a professional venter was a profession I would kick ass at it. I began talking about my boyfriend and how happy I was with him. I exclaimed, “I finally found him Jerry. He loves me. He doesn’t want me for my body or to cure his own insecurity, he loves me”. I smiled and sat on near my window happy and in love-how ironic. It turns out I also have a fantastic skill in dating assholes.

Now let me give you a little insight to who Jerry is. Although I believe he is my angel, he is a 30 year old man who lost his son, divorced his wife, and was diagnosed with a spinal disease that know one has cured before. He was the first to survive this terrible disease. When he told me this on the night of my suicide attempt, I finally began to understand that suicide is the most selfish thing I could do. I wanted to end my life because I am bipolar and could no longer handle my depressions, but if I did so I would of put my family through a terrible loss. My mother sat on our blue warm living room couch sobbing and said, “I don’t think I could live on this earth if you died before me”, after I told her about my suicide attempt. If I couldn’t stay alive for myself, I had to stay alive for her.

Now back to Jerry and I- as I vented about all the shit I went through but how much I loved my boyfriend, he began to sigh. I asked, “Oh god. What?” He replied with “Nothing nothing, I don’t want to burst your bubble”. (Never say that to someone, all they want is for that bubble to be fucking burst right open). I then convinced him to spit out the bad news.

“The spirits are telling me that your boyfriend is cheating on you.”

Of course I laughed and said, “Jerry! The spirits are wrong this time. He would never do that to me”.

We continued to talk and laugh until, two hours and a fantastic phone call later, I decided to call my boyfriend. He picked up the phone and said, “Hey babe. You’re still up? What’s going on?”

I immediately, without a hello back, said, “Are you cheating on me?”

He paused for one minute- a minute that felt like one year- and said, “Yes. How did you know?”

I replied, “Because the spirits told Jerry.”

Of course he said, “What? That’s bullshit. Whatever.”

He began apologizing repeatedly and uttered I love you in a voice that I did not recognize anymore. I sobbed. I yelled. I cussed. Then, I hung up the phone and punched the shit out of my pillow. (Poor pillow, thank god it wasn’t a wall or a person). I got depressed and I wanted to self harm again, but weeks ago I promised my family I would never cut myself again. So, I woke up my dad and screamed, sobbed and yelled into that poor little pillow five times.

I will grieve Cody. I will always love him, but my grief is no comparison to Sheryl Sandberg’s. Sheryl said on Facebook a few weeks ago, “ I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave”. I will temporarily grieve Cody and my love, but Cody, you were option A and I love you. Time for option B.

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