Category Archives: Life

Mania

He’s coming

rocking back and fourth

the skull of inevitable fear

he followed me

four

four years old

then you appeared

now what more

what do you want

take it from me now

I surrender

just keep me alive

the green leaves of hope

they surround your fingers

glowing

they glow for a chance

for hope

But who will win?

I will.

Grief

Read this article before you read this blog post: http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jun/03/sheryl-sandberg-facebook-death-david-goldberg

Well for starters, this article made me sob like a 12 year old girl. It is so tragic that something so awful and random can happen to such a good person. Just last night I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me with a man, something he promised to never do (he’s bisexual). I didn’t understand why he could do this to me. He kept saying “I love you” and “I’m so sorry” but I simply could say nothing more than “I hate you” “its too late to be sorry”. I want to stay with him. I want to stay in love. But I know it’s not what the spirits (god for those who are religious) have planned for me. This may be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life but this article made me realize that tragic things can happen to good people. The article explains that a  friend of Sheryl Sandberg said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.” Time for me to kick the shit out of option B.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Although not having Plan A sucks, trust me, there is a reason you are trying Plan B. You might not know the reason now- Sheryl Sandberg and I sure don’t- but I know there is a reason.  Last night I randomly decided to call the man who saved me on a suicide hotline weeks ago, jerry, my angel, I wasn’t suicidal. I wasn’t depressed. Something just told me to call him. Thank god I did. Literally, thank you god.

I called him while he was at a casino and I asked if it was a bad time and he said, “There is never a bad time for you Anna”. So, I vented. I talked and talked and talked. If a professional venter was a profession I would kick ass at it. I began talking about my boyfriend and how happy I was with him. I exclaimed, “I finally found him Jerry. He loves me. He doesn’t want me for my body or to cure his own insecurity, he loves me”. I smiled and sat on near my window happy and in love-how ironic. It turns out I also have a fantastic skill in dating assholes.

Now let me give you a little insight to who Jerry is. Although I believe he is my angel, he is a 30 year old man who lost his son, divorced his wife, and was diagnosed with a spinal disease that know one has cured before. He was the first to survive this terrible disease. When he told me this on the night of my suicide attempt, I finally began to understand that suicide is the most selfish thing I could do. I wanted to end my life because I am bipolar and could no longer handle my depressions, but if I did so I would of put my family through a terrible loss. My mother sat on our blue warm living room couch sobbing and said, “I don’t think I could live on this earth if you died before me”, after I told her about my suicide attempt. If I couldn’t stay alive for myself, I had to stay alive for her.

Now back to Jerry and I- as I vented about all the shit I went through but how much I loved my boyfriend, he began to sigh. I asked, “Oh god. What?” He replied with “Nothing nothing, I don’t want to burst your bubble”. (Never say that to someone, all they want is for that bubble to be fucking burst right open). I then convinced him to spit out the bad news.

“The spirits are telling me that your boyfriend is cheating on you.”

Of course I laughed and said, “Jerry! The spirits are wrong this time. He would never do that to me”.

We continued to talk and laugh until, two hours and a fantastic phone call later, I decided to call my boyfriend. He picked up the phone and said, “Hey babe. You’re still up? What’s going on?”

I immediately, without a hello back, said, “Are you cheating on me?”

He paused for one minute- a minute that felt like one year- and said, “Yes. How did you know?”

I replied, “Because the spirits told Jerry.”

Of course he said, “What? That’s bullshit. Whatever.”

He began apologizing repeatedly and uttered I love you in a voice that I did not recognize anymore. I sobbed. I yelled. I cussed. Then, I hung up the phone and punched the shit out of my pillow. (Poor pillow, thank god it wasn’t a wall or a person). I got depressed and I wanted to self harm again, but weeks ago I promised my family I would never cut myself again. So, I woke up my dad and screamed, sobbed and yelled into that poor little pillow five times.

I will grieve Cody. I will always love him, but my grief is no comparison to Sheryl Sandberg’s. Sheryl said on Facebook a few weeks ago, “ I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave”. I will temporarily grieve Cody and my love, but Cody, you were option A and I love you. Time for option B.

Can I call myself a blogger?

You know, this all seems really silly to me. Just a girl sitting with her computer writing about life. What is the point of that? Well, that’s just what I do. I watch, I think, and I write. That’s the beauty of this world. We can choose to either be so caught up in ourselves and what we want or we can take a step back and watch others, just simply to observe. And that’s what writers are, the watchers. I can’t wait to watch and write about this crazy, unpredictable world. So, here goes to the start of something great.